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Thursday, May 24th, 2012
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1:14 pm
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Fin catches Alex doing something with his hand out of the corner of her eye.
Fin, assuming that he's signing: why is your airplane jumping?
Alex: It wasn't an airplane, it was a Mexican Jumping Bull.
I laughed and laughed and laughed. In retrospect, I suspect he was saying 'I love you', and moving his hand closer to where I could see/trying to get my attention.
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| Monday, April 30th, 2012
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10:01 am - no wordsmith
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I have been growing the gift of knowing that I've no adequate words. I'm not done yet though and sometimes it's still hard to know and I struggle to get out what's choking me up.
It is difficult to be concise, I fall over myself with further explanations, never sure if I'm being understood. Wanting desperately to just be understood.
Sometimes, it is as simple as "Love is greater than Fear".
Othertimes I feel the need to make clear that... living life, for me, means feeling, and I've been told that I seem to feel MORE, or maybe just that I'm more in touch, more aware of my feelings, and sometimes I just need to even try to put words to how I feel.
There is a fair amount of fear. It's not so much that I'm often fearful, as it is that I am always fearful. It seems the path of authenticity is often that way. I'm just lucky that there's easily twice as much love. Particularly these days, particularly these days. There's more fear than you know, but there's more love than I can even begin to describe.
I will repeat my mantra, I will hold my head up, and do my level best to look you in the eyes as I continue onward.
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, April 29th, 2012
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9:13 pm - Riordon and me
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| Thursday, April 26th, 2012
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5:07 pm - while packing
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I found some old photos, and was showing them to Riordon. Amongst them I found photos Alex took of the very first time Riordon went to the beach.
Fin: omg, Rio, you were so hilarious.
Rio: looks like I liked it.
Fin: liked it? yeah, you loved it, you were all *mimes stooping down and picking up sand, then holding it up and letting it fall through my fingers* HOLY CRAP WHAT IS THIS and we were all it's sand, and you were all THIS IS THE BEST STUFF EVER MADE! And then you were all OMG WHAT IS *THAT*!? and we were all that's the ocean, so you were all THAT'S THE BIGGEST BATHTUB I'VE EVER SEEN I NEED TO GET IN IT IMMEDIATELY!!! also, you kept trying to get naked even though it was spring and kind of cold, see, I'm wearing a sweater.
Rio laughs until she's coughing.
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| Wednesday, April 25th, 2012
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1:36 pm - Mercy
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http://www.hulu.com/watch/353971/late-night-with-jimmy-fallon-dave-matthews-mercy#s-p2-sr-i1
Don't give up
I know you can see
All the world and the mess that we're making
Can't give up
And hope God will intercede
Come on back
Imagine that we could get it together
Stand up for what we need to be
Cause crime won't save or feed a hungry child
Can't lay down and hope no miracles change things
So lift up your eyes
Lift up your heart
Singing
Mercy, will we overcome this?
Oh one by one could we turn it around
Maybe carry on just a little bit longer
And I try to give you what you need
Me and you and you and you
Just want to be free yeah
But you see all the world is just as we've made it
And until we got a new world
I got to say that love is not a whisper or a weakness
No, love is strong
So we got to get together yeah
Gotta get gotta get gotta get
Til there is no reason
To fight
Mercy, will we overcome this?
Oh one by one could we turn it around
Maybe carry on just a little bit longer
And I try to give you what you need
Mercy, will we overcome this
Or have we come to far to turn it around?
Have I asked too much to be a little bit stronger
But I want to give you what you need
Mercy, what will become of us?
Oh one by one could we turn it around
May we carry on just a little bit longer
And I'll try to give you what you need
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(comment on this)
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1:20 pm - balance
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Yesterday ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.2) floatyfish came over again to help more with cleaning/packing, and in it, we had a good talk. I know she felt bad that something she'd just casually said brought it up, but ultimately, it cleared some cobwebs out of my head, and I am able to be in a much better place today because of the conversations that sprang from it, so it was very good. A different kind of cleaning.
Good talk with Stan too, and she doodled me crying on her shoulder, and her offering me peanut butter. *grins* I have often cried on her, but not so much last night, though. I was just... really thoughtful; though truth be said, it was not the good kind of thoughtful, but the picking at myself kind.
I also stayed up late enough to talk to Alex some before we both went to bed, and we had a great talk. I'm constantly amazed at, even though we struggle, because we both came to this relationship as people with our own struggles, how much we help each other with those things. Our relationship together continuously aids each of us in becoming better people individually, which ultimately also builds our relationship up.
Somewhere between the three conversations, I stopped picking at myself, and woke up in a much, much better mind frame.
Alex sent me a video of the Dali Lama's 18 Rules for Living a few days ago, and I rewatched/reread them this morning:
1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three Rs: 1. Respect for self 2. Respect for others 3. Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honourable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
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| Monday, April 23rd, 2012
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9:53 am - bupkis
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Riordon and I had a deeply interesting conversation yesterday involving socio-linguistics, literal translations versus meaning translations (ex: 'mazel tov' literally translates to 'good luck', but isn't used in precisely the same way/instances that 'good luck' is used in English), turning to a discussion of Yiddish loan words in English*, then a discussion of Yiddish/Modern Hebrew, leading to a discussion on the importance of a language's continuance as an act of defiance in the face of oppression/oppression through language suppression, and then generally social justice. At some point she exclaimed "this is why I love history, it's important to study!" Oh, and at some point we discussed differing social taboos related to dietary restrictions/preferences, and also differing ways social taboos were reflected in a culture's curse words.
And by conversation, I don't mean I talked at her. It was a true back and forth. She is a wonderful, thoughtful person, her inexperience and lack of knowledge in no way hampering her ability to listen, note analogous examples, and apply critical thinking skills to come to conclusions - and it is a delight to listen to her do those out loud in a true conversation. It was a lovely way to pass a car ride.
* - she had no idea that one of the words that I referred to her as a baby/toddler was 1) a Yiddish loan word, and 2) a play on words: I called her 'boobaleh'.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, April 14th, 2012
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10:08 am - Writer's Block: Smell You Later
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When I've migraines, I often hallucinate smells. I'm told really foul smells are normal, but usually I just smell something which smells like burnt orange peels which is even vaguely pleasant, or sometimes something like bare/hot electrics. Only occasionally has it been things like really super bad cat pee, or the hot electrics smell morphed into something that smelt more like flesh/hair being electrocuted (I imagine, anyway, having never actually smelt that). There's also a very specific colour which smells, also very specifically, of the sort of sick that a child may have after a full day at the carnival eating nothing but sugary foods.
Nice to know both instances are just how my brain is wired weirdly.
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, April 10th, 2012
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8:17 pm - grief without God
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| Thursday, April 5th, 2012
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4:58 pm - fluoride in the water
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Riordon: we're really brilliant, and if we had our shit together even half the time, we'd have taken over the world by now, but it's like, at night while laying in bed trying to sleep we're coming up with cures for cancer, but during the day, it's like "how do you spell 'house'?" or "what's the word for *makes loud noises and hand motion suggesting air blowing*1?".
1 - True Story. Answer: air conditioner.
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| Monday, April 2nd, 2012
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9:29 pm - awesome things
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Riordon and I did some particularly unpleasant work last night, and afterwards watched some crappy television (we like Pawn Stars) with chips and dip together in my bed, and somehow we got to talking about deeply interesting things when history came up. And somehow we got to talking about the history of relationships, historical views of homosexuality, when queerness became a label or identity, etc. (The discussion later morphed into monogamy/polyamory, and patriarchy and the almost-ownership of women.) It was just an amazingly intelligent, reasoned, and adult conversation, and it made me deeply proud of the person Riordon is, and is well on her way to becoming.
Amy came over today and helped me pack up more things, clean more things, cart and give away more things, and more, she pushed me to keep going in really good ways and not at all in bad ways (I am still feeling quite easily tired and achey - my course of antibiotics ends on Thursday). I really couldn't articulate how thankful I am, how much I owe to her.
Moving, and it's related things, are incredibly stressful, I'm told at the best of times for most people, but I imagine that as unexperienced at it as I am, it comes a little less naturally to me, but I'm feeling a lot better about it all again today, and am in a place where I can better appreciate the everything - and everyone - that I have to be thankful for. <3
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(comment on this)
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8:45 pm - I will find strength in pain
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| Saturday, March 31st, 2012
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2:39 pm - Writer's Block: Alabama, Alaska, Arizona?
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Arizona, Carolina, Dakota, Montana, Nevada, Virginia are seem like they'd be perfectly acceptable names *shrug* I don't have any real connection to any of them, but if I HAD to pick one, I think I like the sound/feel of Nevada best. (For a short time I'd actually gone to school with a girl named Montana, who had a brother Dakota.)
And here, now I have this song stuck in my head, so have a video:
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| Friday, March 30th, 2012
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10:31 pm - remember me, if you should be so kind
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I was planning on making cookies this weekend, and then I thought "I will make all the cookies and give them to people!" and then I thought of who all I'd give cookies, and I thought of Sis! she likes them, and then I thought: oh :(
Grief is like that, at least for me. There's a period where thinking about the people is acutely painful, and then eventually you think of them less, and less painfully. But it just means that you're not so practiced, so when things DO pop up it's like a curt little slap.
Riordon and I went to the local (originally predominately amish/mennonite) farmer's market for what was likely the last time. It use to be a thing we did often on warm weekends, to get fresh nuts and fruit, and eat bad-for-you food like funnel cake and fried sausages. We got nuts, and fresh-made fudge, local bologna from the butcher I use to work at, funnel cake, corn on the cob, kosher garlic and dill pickles, and fresh-squeezed lemonade.
Sometime next week I've a date to eat cream chipped beef and scrapple.
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, March 25th, 2012
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12:59 pm - Writer's Block: Plenty of Fish?
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I don't think that I could answer this in the broadest sense, because I was one that dated often in high school; there was rarely a stretch of time longer than a week where I wasn't ostensibly "dating" someone, though some of them lasted less than a month. As you get older, there is less of a need to put a definite label on if you're dating someone or not, so it's even more difficult to come up with a number.
I always make things more complicated than need be in over-explaining myself, huh?
Okay, let's call it 11.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, March 15th, 2012
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12:26 am - bitches came and broke your heart
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Alex:
Fin laughs! awesome, I loved this song as a kid! (but I seriously almost expected you to rick roll me)
Alex: I don't remember him singing "Bitches" though
Fin cracks up. whoa, no, me either.
Alex: he's got a good voice though, always really impressed when people sing so well on key etc live
Fin ohs! it originally said "pictures came and broke your heart", ie: video. omygod, I am not going to unhear bitches now.
Alex: hahaha oh yeah, BITCHES came and broke your heart
.....bitches
Fin: I was just thinking that I needed to share this with Stan.
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| Tuesday, March 13th, 2012
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12:07 am - Writer's Block: Girl Scouts' Day
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Samoas/Carmel-deLites and Lemonades are just about tied for first, with the Thin Mints taking a very close second place, remarkable in that I normally dislike mint flavored food stuffs (tastes like toothpaste to me). (In contrast to peanut butter; I normally love it, but I dislike the two peanut butter cookies GS offer.)
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| Sunday, March 11th, 2012
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12:28 pm
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recently said to and of me:
An artist makes you her muse, your beauty becomes famous. A poet makes you his muse and the only thing immortalized is your flaws in great over-wrought detail. This is why I stick to office workers.
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, March 10th, 2012
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1:02 pm - rural poor skills vs urban poor skills
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I'm pretty sure that someone on my flist posted a link to an article on poor skills and how the differed dependent on on if the community one lived in was rural, suburban, or urban. I remembering it touching on how each scenario had pluses and minuses (like rural = the ability to plant a garden, urban = cheap, ready access to public transit, etc).
I can't recall where it was, or who posted it, so I'm mentioning it in the hopes that someone else will remember. Ta!
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(comment on this)
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12:16 pm - we will meet back on this road nothing gained, truth be told
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New Mumford & Sons song made for Withering Heights soundtrack, this has been the best quality full version that I can find
( lyrics )
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